Random : Nov, 22nd

 

i have a lot in my mind like reflecting my own characters from childhood until present. i may say from being possessive to being indifference about people. did i grown up well? i think people still have prejudice over me. like when they start in trying time to be my friend they keep highlighting my short-tempered & my poker face. 

i don't actually mad, i am irritated. i am irritated to lack of common sense and mind blowing stupid-ness. it makes me baffled. i just don't really want to explain on my acts most of the time. people will keep being prejudice and i just keep being myself. you can't really change the way people think about you, especially with the mind that has been set up with a default theory of random people about you.

i have bad experienced with such prejudice. how people good in making you feel the lowest about yourself, and i even remembered how they laughing to my anxiety. did i built wall around myself? - yes. did i make myself hard to be approached? - yes. 

why?

because people just broke me in the worst way, i still having a hard time handling my self-pity state. people hurt me in the way i have a thought i don't deserved to be loved nor can i even love anyone. i even think my soul has broken beyond repair.

how do i comforting myself?

by crying, watching movies and left halfway disinterested. LOL. reading some manga or webtoon or anything related to romantic feeling. maybe while growing i was craving some love, a praise on my small achievement, or maybe i just want people being proud of me. 

did my existence matter?

i can't really say, i wish i can die young. so i just do a small deed within my capabilities. i do understand why some people choose to end their live. because the feeling and the thoughts are overwhelming they need an escape. 

by writing these sadness within me, i hope i could escape from being overwhelmed and self-pity. its too painful for me. these sadness is suffocating, i am having a hard time to swallow and breathing properly.

i wish i have people i can say whatever random thought i have. the desire to be connected again. this side of me is the darkest, it might scared people off.

i have cried, wallowing my self-pity.

do people still reading blog nowadays? i wonder. hopefully no one get triggered with my shit post. i am fine now. hormonal state causing my roller coaster emotions, getting haywire. what a mood, i feel like having borderline disorder.

bye.