Random : Dec, 27th

I am listening to homura by lisa right now. I was in the toilet trimming end of my hair. So, I was reminisce my past relationship. I was in serious relationship for once in my entire life. I am now in my 9th year of being single. Maybe because i was having such bad experience and traumatic relationship. It's a bad break up. I am scared to have a relationship. 

I still have that scare feeling to even start a relationship, so I am now just enjoy  being single. I am happy though, but half of me keep asking until when I want to stay single. Not enough effort may be. I feel like i get used of being alone, i don't even know how to share my space with people out of my family or my closed friends.

A part of me is ready, but a part of me like how can I get out from this "scared feeling". A hell lot of questions like, will the parents like me? Will I survive in this so called relationship without losing interest? I am super awkward with new people and new environment. My introvert mind being so defensive, I may over read people gesture and jump into conclusion. Soon I will have cold feet and panic attack, I might dash out to home.

What I want in a partner, maybe someone who loves random small talk. During my childhood, teenage year, I am being denied or worse need to compete for my mother's attention. So, no one really listen to whatever I am about to say. My past relationship end badly because we just lack of understanding and most importantly lack of good communication. I am being left with silent instead of discussing the issue. 

Being cheated & betrayed? When first time I found out about it, I should just end it right there and not hanging on the relationship. I am questioning my decision at that time. *LOL* My past self is so naive and very much forgiving. Even when people treat me badly, I still stay because I want them to acknowledge my existence. I was desperate for people to love me and end up wasting my 3 years with one-sided love. *pathetic*

One day, I just woke up and feeling unhappy and telling myself I need to get out from this meaningless relationship. If you asking me now am I happy? I AM FREAKING HAPPY. *in my delusional mind* I don't have to think much since I am seriously not good with people. But still the desire to have a companion is always there. It just, I don't know how. 

I like it when people ask how my feeling, my day, cats or just listen I ranting about people. I have no privilege to do so. Remember I need to share my mother's attention? I always wonder why people cheat when they have loyal and caring people around them. 

Because they being such a non-appreciative bastard. Simple. May be I just fated to be live as single to the rest of my life. *getting prepare*

Allah yet grant this one particular doa, so I patiently waiting or just enjoy jela this moment. Malas fikir banyak.