"....im not trying harder because im afraid of getting upset, and disappoint others."

"....im not always there for you."

".....i cant really help you with anything."


i think i haven't told you, one of many reasons that triggered the depression is you.
i know, i will always be alone in fighting my own battle.
these past 2 months taught me, that i can't rely on anyone other than myself.
when they dont try harder, it shows you are not worth of their time, their affection, their everything.
and i even not expecting anything, their action is too cliche to even reminisce.
i saw it somewhere, they said, "if it continue like this, i shall retreat."

why did they lie? whats the point of having a relationship when one not trying hard.
see where your position is. what i need is comfort words and a hug. not a comparison of who's struggle the hardest. i believe, i am not destined to be anyone's partner as i feel i can't really love anyone. i build my wall highest so i feel safe, hiding my own feeling. i let them in, and all they said i was difficult to handle, i was a messed, hard to understand like a block of puzzle.

if they can't accept your dark side, will they be there when you happy?
they aren't. love is not always filled with rainbow and sunshine.
love is a fiery flower that bloom and wither. (wildflower, 2014)

be yourself hidayah.
as far as you love yourself,
you are the strongest in fighting your own battle.
even when no one care, and you are alone.