How to stay sane and not having to deal with roller-coaster-like emotions? While writing this, i am in the state where i envied with people who found a lifetime partner where they can be heard and jump in the bandwagon of randomness.

I am in the state of loneliness. Too lonely, i wish i dont have to feel like this again. Its painful. Lately my restlessness is out of control. Like i need to be distracted even the  piling works are waiting to be done. The dateline is chasing my ass, but i cant totally focus on the work anymore. I need to glance on my phone like frequently. Reading the tweets could calm me down for a second. The restlessness isnt going away.

Indeed i look calm outside, but the storm inside is beyond my control anymore. Trust me, the battle and mind game are quite tough these days. I keep telling myself i can fight this battle. I just need a headphone to not let any noise disturb my mind. I refuse to refer the doctor and prefer to self cure. Stupid isnt it?

I cant really talk to fatin without thinking that whatever i said is not burdening her. i neglecting my cats. I am poor and broke. 😂 its been awhile writing anything so random from my mind. I will keep writing. This is just to let my mind to be sane again. I am fucking sane. Who even want someone with mental illness like me.

Let me be happy. Please. I feel suffocate and this suffering isnt going away. Why am i being sad? Why people treat me like that? At this moment, i am tired of living. The repetitive things. The same life, again and again.

I was dream about that A. The A who treated me like a piece of shit, who telling me all these times he only loves me, the moron who then came back and justify his acts as something normal. Fuck you and your existence. I am upset. I even avoid him in my dream. See how am i hating his existence.

In my state, marriage is suicide; if you wrongly choose your partner. Maybe suicide to everyone with wrong partner? Its scary. When all socmed are hunting field for sex maniac. Did nice guy extinct? Its upsetting. Im too numb to feel that everyone in my life is loving me, let alone a stranger.

So i re-run all the love, cute, romantic etc scenes just to let my heart feel those feelings back. Pathetic. I know. But the numbness is fucking your heart and mind. Lifeless. Hopeless.

Yes, im fucking know i need help. My mom even asked me why am i cryinng? Is it the best answer to even inform her im having depression? I cant even explain on why im having this depression. I am alone in room, dark with a bit of light. A good scenery. to fuck your mind further. Reading all the posts in depression page is making mme even more depressed. Like comparing the medicines you consumed, treat depression as something you should be proud of.

I need myself back. After all, all i have is myself.

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