ESCAPISM

Dear Hazwan, These are something ive been pondered to tell you but i have no courage to do so. I have no grudge over you and your family. We have failed in relationship because we failed in communication. As we grow older, i learnt a good lesson through out the experiences. Forgive my immature words and actions. I have act reckless. As we will not crossing path anymore, i wish you having a good life, good health, good partner and marriage, become excellent entrepreneur and may your business prosper in great length of time.  Peace.

“Why are you being sad, when the one whose leaving is you?”

I have learnt today that my depression do affect my surrounding which im being in denial before. I should seek for treatment soonest but i cant help myself from breaking down of today’s news. I do feel bad that my attitude could cause people resigning from the job but it is biased when i have nothing related to it. Why putting on the blame on me when not 100% the caused of resigning was me being bad people. I do know i am a bad person. But that just biased, i feel betrayed.

How to stay sane and not having to deal with roller-coaster-like emotions? While writing this, i am in the state where i envied with people who found a lifetime partner where they can be heard and jump in the bandwagon of randomness. I am in the state of loneliness. Too lonely, i wish i dont have to feel like this again. Its painful. Lately my restlessness is out of control. Like i need to be distracted even the  piling works are waiting to be done. The dateline is chasing my ass, but i cant totally focus on the work anymore. I need to glance on my phone like frequently. Reading the tweets could calm me down for a second. The restlessness isnt going away. Indeed i look calm outside, but the storm inside is beyond my control anymore. Trust me, the battle and mind game are quite tough these days. I keep telling myself i can fight this battle. I just need a headphone to not let any noise disturb my mind. I refuse to refer the doctor and prefer to self cure. Stupid isnt it? I c...

I never wish to be loved nor do i wish to love someone. I know i am incapable of doing so. What i wish is to be heard. To be able to tell what’s on my mind. I realised, i have interest to someone until that someone rejected me and i lose all interest. I wonder where all those feelings go? That was short. Having your chest tighten up for liking someone you know its impossible to meet in real life. It is so much like a dream, in that second all are fantasies. So i wonder if i am able to stay in love with someone for the whole life. If Allah can grant me a wish; i prefer to die young while im still in my greatest feature. My sunken eyes, my eye bags are all signs of everyday’s battle i fight to live. I am still fighting. Hidayah just need a long, deep sleep and hoping to never wake up forever.

It was easy hiding whatever you feel behind emoji. No one can see what actually happened in you mind. I am afraid of being attached to someone. Afraid that today i will liking them and tomorrow might hating them. The moment i push them away, i will never looking back. Because i know, they will never stay.

Im in the verge envying anyone who die young. I wish i die young too.