“Why are you being sad, when the one whose leaving is you?”

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my 3 a.m thought. someone said this to me, " kenapa mesti nak bersusah payah bila bercinta? " i was dumbfounded. betul, cinta itu mudah. tapi untuk sentiasa menyintai itu perlu usaha. komunikasi itu penting. even a random topic. i observed people's action, expression, words, attitude and everything. i can sense when they are not that into me, as what I've been experience before. i am speechless. when people saying that, as if they are meant i am not worth their effort. and this one question keep lingering in my head, " do i want this guy as my life partner? " the answer is no. because relationship takes two to tango, gives and takes, happy and sad, peace and fight, calm and windy, summer and winter, bright and dark, north and south. the opposites attract. to be together we need more than a casual hi or easy goodbye. relationship, in my belief is consistently doing what both of you valued together. like a small talk, a good morning wish, a random ...
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Dear zachary, I dont think you are reading this, just so you know it was nice knowing you. Ive been remembered all good words youve been said to me. While knowing you, its give me a hope that good guy do exist. In those times ive a good talk with you, i take it as the best chapter in my 2018. Truth is i have crush on you. My goodness, feels like high school girl. 😂 thus, the moment im saying goodbye, it was the hardest part. I never like saying goodbye, never good at it. Because the moment i say goodbye, i feel like my heart broke into pieces. I have to pick them up and stick them back with positivity. It is long process, but times heal.  Im fine, i was grateful for crossing path with you even we never see each other in real life. This will never come true, i know 😌. Thank you for all the kind words. Thank you for coming in very short time. I did have a blast. Knowing that its the best virtual experience.  May you have a good home, good health, good wealth and...
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Random : Dec, 27th

I am listening to homura by lisa right now. I was in the toilet trimming end of my hair. So, I was reminisce my past relationship. I was in serious relationship for once in my entire life. I am now in my 9th year of being single. Maybe because i was having such bad experience and traumatic relationship. It's a bad break up. I am scared to have a relationship.  I still have that scare feeling to even start a relationship, so I am now just enjoy  being single. I am happy though, but half of me keep asking until when I want to stay single. Not enough effort may be. I feel like i get used of being alone, i don't even know how to share my space with people out of my family or my closed friends. A part of me is ready, but a part of me like how can I get out from this "scared feeling". A hell lot of questions like, will the parents like me? Will I survive in this so called relationship without losing interest? I am super awkward with new people and new environment. My introv...
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